Lately, I've really been trying to let go of my need for control. Yes, I suffer from it too. If you are one of the few who have mastered being "ok" with life as it comes, I envy you. I do. Control may be my biggest battle with myself. I fight to let go, and then I find myself fighting to hang on. When I find I'm having a great day with it, something huge happens to remind me that I am not in control anyway, and need to somehow try and regain it. The more I try to release, the harder life tries to tell me to hang on. Anyone else understand this?
Truth is, this desire to control is formed so early in life, I believe it almost becomes an inherent need for us. Like it's just normal. We can only control how we feel, respond, and act. We can only control what goes on inside of us. But somewhere along the way, we have decided we can also take on the task of controlling everything around us. What an exhausting ride!
I find myself being overprotective of my husband. He has this relaxed thing down to an art. I sometimes get frustrated with him because he doesn't respond with the same "I'll fix this situation right this second!" attitude that I tend to carry. He is chill. He is calm. He is collected. He is my balance. But, I'll be damned if I am not constantly trying to make him a fighter too. If someone wrongs him, I come out swinging. He lets it roll off his back. I fight harder. He lets go even more. I WANT TO BE THIS! I ENVY THIS!
My fear is that I will rub off on Annabelle. I'm starting to notice some similarities. Not because I try to control her, because really, I try hard to let her find her own way. I'm pretty adamant about her becoming her own person. (Ironically, while I want her to be her own person, I am rubbing off on her through her little eyes and ears. She is picking up on this stuff. She is constantly witnessing my life full of fight or flight responses.) Her usual nature is loving, happy, laid back, adventurous. Lately, I have noticed a sense of nervousness and control creeping in. I know she has been watching me. If anything will help me release this need to control, it will be the desire to NOT rub off on her. BECAUSE the truth is, life is not ALL fight or flight! It's just not. Sometimes it's really easy and I complicate the hell right out of it! Sometimes, when everyone else is rolling with the punches, I should just grab on and roll right with them, instead of trying to protect and control.
My goal for these summer months is to allow myself true release in all situations. I will take advantage of the warmth of nature. Anytime something is ailing me in any way, I will lose myself in nature for a bit and remember this world is MUCH bigger than any amount of control I can offer it. It's a work in progress, but I am determined to be a better me, a better wife and most importantly, a better mother.
Thank you to my husband for being my balance, my rock, my funny guy and my best friend. Thank you to my little girl for keeping me on my toes, showing me simplicity, sharing your compassionate nature, and teaching me to love deeper than I ever knew I could. You both inspire me to change patterns, to be myself, and to live freely... BUT mostly, you inspire me to begin this journey again, every single day. Those are some huge gifts you give me. I LOVE YOU.
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