Time-In

my toddler decided to throw a huge tantrum this morning.  her fits have become much more common as of late.  she's fierce and loud when she's upset and it could be really easy for me to treat her the way i was treated as a child.  but, as she flailed around in the floor pitching her fit this morning, i remembered the promise i made to myself and to her when she was born:  to handle her as a human being.  my little human being.  my precious gift.  i've been given the opportunity to be a mother, which is something many women will never experience.  so, with that in mind, i sat next to her in the floor and spoke softly to her.  after she quit kicking, i lifted her, hugged her and started to speak to her in a very low tone.  the immediate response is peaceful.  loving.  calm.  she accepts my calmness and it gives her good energy.  i slowly explain to her (in the best way possible for a two year old) that her actions were not nice and that it feels better to be happy and not mad.  i say, "give mommy a kiss".  she does.  then we get up and play.  tantrum over.  mommy feels happy and so does baby.

this is something i've heard described as "time-in".  very different from "time-out".  time-out is a good alternative to spanking and i know many people believe that time-out really works well for children.  but, time-in is an even better alternative, in my opinion.  when a child is left in time-out, they are stuck in a corner to sit for a period of time and sometimes they aren't even told what they did and/or how to change it next time.  they spend those minutes away from the parent feeling alone and confused and probably aren't really thinking of their mistakes.  time-in allows what i like to call "little lecture" time.  my definition of "little lecture" is just that the parent spends time helping the child understand the consequences of his/her actions in a real life situation.  the child gets the chance to see her parent react with love, patience and understanding, thus teaching the child to react with love and patience in difficult situations.

another aspect of time-in isn't just when the child misbehaves.  it's also constantly re-enforcing positive behavior.  noticing the good behavior, as well as the bad behavior.  when you catch your child doing something generous or good, catch them!  tell them how wonderful they are being!  immediately tell them.  immediate feedback is a must for small children especially.  the attention span is short for a small child.  maybe tell others how great your child is in front of your child.  this is also VERY effective in building their self-confidence and re-enforcing good behavior.  discipline should be a positive thing.  it should help mold and shape the child, not hinder them. 

so...  time-in:  great alternative to time-out.  best disciplining/ parenting technique i've found.  i'm not perfect and sometimes i mess up and get frustrated with my daughter when i shouldn't.  but, as i'm working on her, i'm also always working on myself.  this whole parenting thing is making me a better person :)  she's teaching me so much...

there's a good bit of information available on time-in and time-out and the pros and cons of each, but this lady is using the "time-in" technique very similarly to the way i will use it with my daughter.  click the link below to get a better idea of how "time-in" can be used in your home:

http://joanneaz_2.tripod.com/positivedisciplineresourcecenter/id26.html