The monster is stirring.

So, I actually have a whole load of things I have to be doing today.  But, I keep feeling like I'm going to cry.  Then, I remembered, I have been quieting the beast for over a week now.  If I don't write, I begin to feel sick with sadness.  I have so many emotions running through my system at this moment.  I can't shake the feeling that I am just not doing enough.  The "fear" kind of took over me again.  I quit stepping forward with my plans for the forum.  I need motivation.  I started worrying (once again) about the approval of others and took a giant step back.  Is this battle ever going to get easier?  I mean forget one step forward two steps back.  We're talking a half of a step forward and a giant leap backwards.

Tears are welling up.  Here goes... I'm on the search for something.

And there it was... Looking for inspiration and I find this quote:
"A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity." -Franz Kafka


I'm not one for public speeches.  I don't have the best advice on etiquette or charm or how to be the perfect housewife.  I don't organize events or have too much involvement with my immediate community.  I'm not extremely creative, nor am I an artist with a brush and paints and a beautiful imagination breathing life onto a page.  I don't have a special room where I can go and be alone with my canvas.  What I do have, is an ability to write.  And a pink journal.  And a pen.
This gift: this journal and pen and head full of mess, releases everything captive in my soul.  Once it's on paper, I feel free.

My only problem here is that I'm still scared to even share this stuff with anyone.  What if they don't like me?  I've already re-started my blog so many times, OUT OF PURE FEAR.  What if they laugh at me or critique who I am?  I'm not sure if I can add anymore "let downs" to my list.  So, as I sit here crying, writing, releasing, worrying... I've regained some motivation.  And honestly, I'm just deciding to get back on my quest and say screw it, and what everyone else thinks.  Instead of struggling between the peaceful person within my soul and the cynical thinker who sometimes doesn't hold back, I'm going to strive to use them together.  And, if you truly understand me, you will take both of these sides and know that they are what make me beautiful!  You will see both sides in my writing.  You'll see it in the topics that are important in my life.  You'll see it in my quirky sense of humor.  Please just know that whatever comes out in my writing, is always true to my soul, and the only way I can tame the monster when insanity is near...